Tuesday, October 29, 2013

I'm not ok

The sobs are rising in the back of my throat
I choke them down and blink away the hot, stinging tears
No one can see
No one must know
If you ask me how I'm doing
The answer is I'm fine
I don't want you to know the truth
The truth that my heart is breaking
That I'm walking wounded
My head is spinning
I can't think straight anymore
I'm exhausted
I don't want you to know that I messed up again
I can't do this "Christian" thing
I don't know what I'm doing at all
My chest feels like an empty chasm about to swallow me whole
My entire world is falling apart
It's a cave-in and I'm being buried alive
I'm losing control
I can't breathe
Another night of crying myself to sleep
Another morning of wishing I would never wake up
Another day of feeling invisible
Trying to blend in so I don't rock the boat
Can't be different
Nobody else is letting their wounds show
I have to be like everyone else
So I hide
I don't let them see me for who I really am
I can't let them know that I'm broken
But my mask is cracking and I can't keep it together
Not for much longer
Maybe that's a blessing in disguise
Because I just want to be free
Free from the suffocating masks and the lies that I speak
Free to not be ok because sometimes I'm just not

I wrote this tonight because someone saw through my mask today and asked if I was ok. I  told him I was fine even though we both knew that was a lie.  I wanted to tell him the truth, to tell him that I wasn't ok, but I didn't. All day long I was wishing someone would notice that I wasn't ok but then, when somebody actually did notice...  I lied. 

I'm not ok. I'm scared, overwhelmed, stressed out and grieving that this chapter of my life is coming to an end. And that's ok. 

To my friend who asked if I was ok: I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you. Thanks for noticing and for asking. It meant so much more than you'll ever know. 

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